White Fright

I like to think of myself as an open-minded individual free from biases and predisposed notions and so I was taken aback by my own feelings during a grocery trip a few months ago. What I am about to admit I did not mention to anyone, not even my husband who was with me at the time. But in an attempt to promote the openness I hope to inspire with this blog, I am about to admit personal feelings that I am ashamed of.

A few months ago I was surprised by how it felt to be one of the only white people in a local grocery store. I felt awkward and out-of-place. The feeling of discomfort was almost tangible and I might even go as far as to say that I was (on some level at least) afraid. I can say that I did not act as if I were disconcerted in any way and I am confident that no one would have known how I really felt, but I will also admit that I have not been back to that particular grocery store.

To better understand this maybe it would help to know a little about my personal background. I grew up in a predominantly white, upper-middle class rural New Jersey community. I attended a small high school with a graduating class of around 200 of which maybe 2% were not white. All of my teachers were white and only one administrator was African American whose time as our elementary school's vice principal lasted one short year.

It was not until I went to college in Boston that I really began to understand the effects that living in a homogenous place had on my misunderstanding of the world. Before I attended college I had believed that racism was a problem that individuals faced and not in fact the systematic problem that it is; a systematic problem that pervades so many aspects of our lives from the media to politics, from early childcare to secondary education.

Even though I grew up surrounded by people like me I did eventually go to college in a major city with a diverse population and I've since lived and worked in places where I was a minority. So why was my shopping experience so discerning? Why did I feel so uncomfortable surrounded by so many people who I percieved as different from me?

Now imagine the situation reversed. While I am ashamed of how I felt when I was a minority in this situation, I do think that it has allowed me to understand in some small respect how most minorities must feel in so many situations; so many of them more significant than my little shopping scenario.